When You Feel Like You’re Falling Apart
November always reminds me of things that I should be (and am) thankful for. Sometimes, when you are in the thick of a sleepless night stretch, or when your toddler randomly decides that “it’s morning mama, I need to play” instead of taking her normal daily afternoon nap (thus waking the baby up and everyone is in tears because why would something so small ever be easy?), or when your baby is getting another new tooth and wants to only be held, it can be hard to look at things in perspective.
Yesterday was just one of those days. Everything mentioned above had occurred, and I was so down in the dumps. I had the biggest lump in my throat. I was disappointed in myself for how I handled both of my kiddos skipping their midday nap. I was stressing out big time on how it is already November and I need to start planning my daughter’s 3rd birthday party, and Christmas gifts and how is this year almost done? When will I get a solid night’s sleep? Why am I never able to eat breakfast? I cannot remember the last time I didn’t have my hair up in a soaking wet bun because who has time to blow dry their hair with two
little ones needing you? I haven’t had a lot of time to focus on my blog. I can’t remember the last time I finished a book. Or made a nice homemade meal for my family. It was a lot. And so I sat there on my couch with my baby on my lap playing with a teething toy, fighting back tears because I didn’t want my children to see me cry AGAIN that day, as my toddler watched Disney Junior because I just needed a tiny break (oh hey Mom Guilt!)
One of my dear friends called me and it was all I could do to not just burst into tears with her on the phone as soon as I said hello. We have been friends for about 20 years now, so she immediately knew something was wrong when I answered. I explained why I was beating myself up and how I never wanted to be the type of mom that I sometimes am, and she kindly and gently reminded me that of course we all have those days. Of course, we all were perfect moms before we were actually moms. Of course, we are human and have human emotions and reactions. My God, motherhood can be so hard sometimes. I write about this all the time but I also sometimes forget to apply my own advice to myself. It can be hard!!! It can be so beautiful too, but there are so many moments where I’ll find myself glancing up at the ceiling and praying fervently to God for help.
When I take a step back after having a cup of coffee, or am able to snag a shower and actually relax for a few minutes, I am able to look at things in perspective and be grateful for what I have. I have two beautiful children with my husband who we absolutely adore. Yes, my baby has yet to sleep through the night. Yes, my toddler is an expert at pushing the limit for anything and everything. Yes, sometimes I literally do not have time to shower at all on some days. Some days I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth. Or my hair. Some days I haven’t eaten any food and it’s 3pm. But there are just SO many other things I am so thankful for.
I am thankful for my beautiful, heathy and happy family of 4, we aren’t perfect, but then again no one is. I am thankful for my husband who is there for me even if I call him sobbing and he is in the middle of a meeting. I am thankful for my husband’s job that allows me to stay at home with our children. I am thankful for my friends who I can lean on when I feel like I am just falling apart. I am thankful for my parents who are there for me and my family in a heartbeat. I am thankful for my in laws who would fly down for us at the drop of a hat if needed. I am thankful for God, who loves me even when I least deserve it. So to anyone who feels like they are just not thriving at motherhood today? You’re not alone. We all have those days. Take a moment for yourself and a step back. Sometimes remembering all of the things we have to be thankful for truly does help to put things in perspective. And as always, you’ve so got this Mama!