Apparently I’m an 80 Year Old Woman
I’m only 30, but lately I’ve come to the realization that I am actually more like an 80 year old lady. Why, you ask? Well here are 10 reasons just off the top of my head:
1) I am in my pajamas by 8pm. Every night. Without exception. Look, having two kids under the age of three is exhausting. At the end of the day all I want to do is change out of my clothes that are usually covered in spit up, breastmilk, dirt, food, chalk, pee or anything my toddler deems as “yucky”. So a sports bra, granny panties, one of my old college t-shirts and some comfy jammie shorts are what I look forward to at the end of a long day. Which brings me to my next point.
2) I seriously LOVE granny panties. Strictly for bedtime of course. My poor husband. Ok, just to be clear, I’m not talking about the crazy granny panties that go up to your belly button and could substitute as the rainbow parachute at Mommy & Me. I’m talking about the kind that are normal low waist, but cover your whole butt and are slightly stretchy. You know the kind I’m talking about. They usually come in super exciting colors like white, black, grey and the occasional flirty beige.
3) I haven’t worn a thong in almost half a decade. While we’re on the subject of underwear we need to discuss these horrible contraptions. They cost like $12 a pop and are really just large pieces of floss. Yes, they have their use when you’re donning a particularly snug dress or pants and you can see crazy panty lines. Then yeah, I could see the need to shove a tiny piece of fabric so far up your ass that it’s now become a part of you. However, wearing these once a month? A week? [Shudder] Every day?! You’re crazy. Granted, I used to wear one every day in college no matter if I was wearing sweat pants or skinny jeans, but now I’m 80! 30, I mean 30. I’m now 30! Not gonna happen.
4) I eat dinner by 5pm, 6pm if we’re feeling particularly crazy. Why? Because by that time I’m starving, my toddler is starving and my baby has been breastfeeding all day because apparently my boobs are actually a 24 hour buffet, so it just works for us. That gives us the perfect amount of time to eat, watch our latest Netflix show, get the kids ready for bath, bed, book reading marathon and then pass out.
5) I’m in bed by 9pm. Even on weekends. And I will be super freaking pissed off if I’m not asleep by 10. When I just had one kid I was able to stay up late some nights, read, scroll through Facebook, watch a show on mute with subtitles because we’re wild like that. But now that we have two kids this close in age? I am in bed and praying for sleep to come as soon as humanely possible. Because I know in about two hours that I’ll be woken up to breastfeed even though he just. Friggin. Ate.
6) I look at middle school kids and wonder what has happened to our youth. These kids look like they are in high school or college, I kid you not. When I was their age I was rocking a sweet bowl hair cut with mega bangs starting at the back of my head; I had braces; Harry Potter-esque glasses; and I wore Adidas & Roxy like there were going out of style. Which, come to think of it, they probably were.
7) Am I the ONLY person who didn’t know “Netflix and chill” meant “let’s bang”?! Seriously, who comes up with this shit? What the hell ever happened to “Want to Blockbuster & chillax?” I’m showing my age. Ok, but seriously. This is why I would totally suck at being single now after being with my husband for 10 years. And it now makes sense why the young cashier at Ralphs gave me a super weirded out look when I told him I was “just going to Netflix and chill all weekend” while simultaneously wiping my toddler’s nose and bouncing my baby on one hip. That’s what I get for trying to be cool. Ugh.
8) I am grumpy as hell if I don’t get a nap. I’ve now worked out a pretty sweet system where my toddler naps from 12:30ish to 2:30ish & I’ve gotten my baby on this mid day nap schedule too. And if for whatever reason that I can’t join them? I’m pissed. I rely on these naps. They are my mini reboot sessions. No one is happy when I am a zombie.
9) I can only drink one beer or glass of wine and I’m buzzed as shit. This hasn’t always been the case. My college self is laughing hysterically at my 80, erm, 30 year old self right now. But kids happened. And now after being pregnant, breastfeeding, pregnant again, and now breastfeeding again, my alcohol tolerance has gone to absolute shit. I look at it on the bright side and just pat myself on the back for all the money we’re now saving.
10) I want to take up knitting. Or crocheting. Granted, these are not activities solely done by older ladies, but, ya know. You kinda think grandma and crochet needles go hand in hand. But that’s besides the point. I would love to create some sweet crocheted sweaters or scarfs for my kids! My friend Kelsey crocheted an adorable elephant hat and booties for my daughter when she was 2 months old (see picture below) and I’ve been hooked ever since. Ha, see what I did there? Ok but really. Check out her Instagram account at Evergreencrochetco. She is crazy talented and whips these beautiful creations up easy peasy.
And these reasons, my friends, are why I am truly an old lady even though I’m only 30. But all joking aside, I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I know this time of sleepless nights, hunting for lady bugs, changing blow out diapers and scolding pretend monsters will be gone before I know it. So for now, I will continue to make an effort to just truly enjoy this time. You only get to be 80 once. Or maybe twice.