12 Real Talk Thoughts While Breastfeeding
Here are some “real talk” thoughts that I’m pretty sure almost all breastfeeding mamas have had while nursing their baby:
1) Ok he’s been breastfeeding for like, easily over 10 minutes now. That’s gotta have burned at least a few hundred calories. That’s it. Mama’s getting a cheeseburger for lunch. Gotta keep up that breastmilk… not because I’m looking for any excuses to eat a cheesy…
2) I haven’t had time to eat my lunch yet. Maybe I can eat this sandwich while I breastfeed her. Eat it over her with one hand, hold her with the other. I’m skilled like that. I can multitask. Hey I’m doing it! Wow, look at
Me! Oops there does the mustard. Sorry baby.
3) All that teething and his new tooth finally popped through. I am honestly terrified to nurse him now. It will be like willingly sticking my boob inside a baby shark’s mouth. Ok, here goes! Not so bad. What’s all the fuss about? Just nursing like normal. We’ve got this. What the?! Yep, spoke to soon. We’re gonna need an ice pack over here!!!
4) She’s so hungry! Let me check my phone real fast, oh what do you know, she fell asleep! Now… to move her and hope she stays asleep for the transition to the crib? Or to just lay here and soak in all the baby snuggles. Decisions, decisions.
5) Whew! He stopped crying. He’s happy. I’m happy. All is well with the world. He’s all set nursing so I’ll just check my phone real fast. Where is my phone? Not on the couch. Not in my back pocket. [Eyes it sitting about a foot out of reach] Nooooooooo!
6) Baby is nursed. Baby is burped. Mama needs a small snack. I’ll just grab this half a sandwich. And oh look, we have chips. Might as well bring that pasta salad too. Ooh and strawberries! Mmm chocolate milk would round this out quite nicely! Alright a light snack-dessert… I’ll eat only 3 cookies. Ok. they’re lactation cookies so they’re actually just pulling double duty here. Lay off me, I’m starving!
7) Alright let’s just settle down on the couch here for a nice breastfeeding session, latch is good, we’re both comfortable. Baby is kinda moving around a bit. Oh my let down is coming, he’ll settle up now. Oh no. He’s moving even more. Don’t unlatch. Don’t unlatch yet! Hello milk fountain all over the two of us and our couch.
8) [Baby starts to cry.] Hmm better grab both of my own breasts right now and lift and shake them to determine which side she last nursed on. No big deal, if I’m in public or private, no one wants to walk around with one bowling ball boob and one tennis ball boob.
9) [At pediatrician’s office] “How often would you say you feed your baby?” Blearily rubbing eyes and remembering the hourly wake ups from last night. “Would you believe me if I said that my day is just one hot mess of milk, spit up and diapers? That should just about sum up all your future questions here.
9) The girls are looking pretty full and perky lately. Maybe by some crazy miracle they’ll stay this way even after my baby weans?! (Enjoy them while you can, my friends. Enjoy them while you can).
10) [Having let down and your breast pad is out of its correct position]. What is that wet feeling? Why am I cold there? What the…? Nooo! Well now my shirt is soaked. I can’t walk around like this! All that milk! Is there any possible way to salvage the milk?! The milk!!!
11) [Upon realizing that your breast pad has somehow folded so that the sticky part is now against your skin instead of your bra]. Just… why?!?! Ok I am a grown woman, I can handle this. Think of it like a bandaid. One felt swoop! Those aren’t tears. I’m blinking. There just happens to be a dust particle in my eye. I’m just tired ok! You try sleeping with a breastfeeding baby, all they want is milk. Milk all day, milk all night!
12) [Husband/partner happens to brush against a boob] “Don’t touch them, don’t look at them, don’t even think about them. Sorry I’m not sorry, but they aren’t yours right now. They’re strictly for the baby. Now where are my sweat pants?”
*Note: just in case I get calls and/or texts asking if I am ok, if my marriage is ok, or if breastfeeding is going ok: the answer is a huge yes to all 3. This is just breastfeeding satire 😉